LOCATION -VS- DESTINATION

So, you enlist in the US military hoping to serve your country, carry on a family tradition, get college benefits, find a job or a number of other reasons. We all had a motivation of some kind. But whats important here is we volunteered. A draft has not been in effect since the Vietnam War. I had my eyes on a career in law enforcement. I knew the Army was a great stepping stone and time spent serving would benefit me when sending out future resumes. I would never have guessed it would steer me on my current path. Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned. You think the life of a soldier is hard? The life of an ex-soldier is 1000 times harder!!!

While carrying out your duty you are attacked. It's something we know can happen but never really think of the reality of it's consequences. It's a scary moment and one that you will never forget. Someone is trying to end your life. It's powerful! Man versus man in a fight to the death. The concept is something that's not new to our society. We watch it on television, on the movie screen or on the Internet. But when it happen s to you and it's real, that's a whole new ball game. It's in moments like this that one thinks about life in general. The small things that we take for granted seem like miracles in moments like that. What was once a heavy burden of a problem all of a sudden seems so simplistic and minute. The problems of yesterday come to light and you think to yourself how easy these obstacles will be to overcome in the future.

That was then. At a moment in time when nothing but survival was on your mind. Do or die! But over time these feelings begin to subside and you start slipping back into our cushy little society and the way of life as an American. Our technology and style of living has made us lazy and forces us to take for granted many things that the rest of the world struggle with on a day to day basis. We have it made! We have cars, good housing, public transportation, water, accessibility to food unlike anywhere else in the world, comfort in a peaceful society and freedom to do pretty much anything we want within the confines of the law.

So today I remember the small things in life. For 10s of thousands of years humans have struggled with things that we take for granted today. Health, FOOD, fresh water and shelter. Not to mention survival was dependant on your ability to hunt and locate fresh water. Then there were times that you were no longer the hunter, but instead became the hunted. It's primitive, but reality.

My chicken has been in the refrigerator for 5 days now. I'm wondering if I should still cook it. Wow, did I just say that? What about a hunter 5000 years ago that was LUCKY enough to find a chicken. Do you think he would throw away that chicken? Is it still good? Ya more than likely. Once baked it will kill most of the bacteria. I need to change a light bulb so I don't have to start a camp fire in my living room. I need to go buy some food so I'll get in my Mustang and drive to the store instead of walking 4 days to reach a trade market or hunt with a bow and arrow for a single portion of food. I need to clean the windows in my house versus living among flies, mosquito's, wild animals and rain showers. My shelter, although modest, all of a sudden takes on a new perspective. Hey wait, I am truly blessed! I have to put 1/100th the amount of effort that my ancestors had to in order to survive.

I wonder how many people out there know how good they have it. I don't own a garden. I don't have to feed my livestock on a daily basis in order to survive the winter. I don't have to tweed leather and make it into foot protection (shoes). I don't have to walk to the lake to get something to drink. I have a faucet, toilet, stove, refrigerator, bed with blankets, eyeglasses, medicine, lights and most importantly, I have food.

The problems of yesterday all of a sudden seem so small again...

I am now a civilian. There is nobody that wants me dead (at least I hope so). I have an income, shelter, transportation and friends. At one point in time I had motivations about where the military was going to take me. I wanted to be a federal police officer and retire a happy man. All my dreams were smashed with my disabilities. And for so long I have sought purpose, reason and motivation to keep living. The answers were so close and yet so far away. I'm actually happy now and realize that perhaps this is exactly where God wanted me to be and exactly how he wanted me to live. I guess in a way, I doubted Him and even blamed Him for taking so much away from me. But thru His mercy I have been blessed in so many ways. I believe that on the road to recovery, one must first determine his location before he can determine his destination.

As of right now I found my location. My destination is something that I believe will come with time. But my motivation and purpose have changed drastically. I know now that everything that was bad or good, has led me to this moment. What God has taught me I am sharing with you. It's perspective into the unknown. Why are bad things happening to you? Perhaps everything is working as intended. Take your hands off the wheel and let God drive for a change. Perhaps the road ahead is much better than you can imagine. One day your location will become evident. Then you can determine your destination from there. Until then, keep looking up and have faith!!

It's been a long time since my last blog update. A lot has happened in my life. I'll use this post as an update and the next to start blogging on a normal basis again.

Shortly after my last post I packed up my truck and started driving to Michigan (was in Dallas, Texas). When I left I heard something that made me get off the freeway and take my truck to a service station. I broke an oxygen line and it would take 2 days for them to get the part. So I booked a room at a local hotel (since I locked my keys in the house I was staying at). My truck was loaded to the hilt with my personal belongings. Well that night my truck was stolen out of the hotel parking lot. Till this day it has not been recovered. It was hard. I lost all my documentation, disaster relief equipment, computers, clothing, etc. The only thing I still had left was in my bag up in the hotel room. I stayed at the hotel for a week to see if the police would recover my truck. They did not so I spent a majority of what funds I had left on a Ford conversion van. I made my way back to Michigan and made it just in time for my cousins wedding.

I chose to not do disaster relief any more. I lost everything in my attempt to help others. There's a point where you have to take care of yourself before you can help others. There's also a point where others don't want your help. Texas was very unfriendly to me. Also very untrusting. They couldn't understand the concept of someone offering to help others without wanting nothing in return. They didn't trust me and suspected I was a thief of some sort. I even had a preacher in the Church of Christ tell me that he didn't trust me. After I helped provide his church with a truckload of appliances, furniture and food. That was really the straw that broker the camels back.

After the 9/11 attacks I hurt both of my feet at the Pentagon. I was called to a suspected package at one of the corridors and while en route, I ripped all the tendons and ligaments in both feet. They never healed. It made things that much harder. So I decided to seek some help after I arrived back in Michigan. It was much worse than I imagined. I actually spent a year in the hospital while dealing with that and other health issues. I lost my hearing in an explosion many years ago while serving in Europe. The VA completely rebuilt my right ear by removing the damaged bones and installing a complete titanium bone structure. So I can hear fantastic now. It's time to get the left ear done but I've been slacking off a bit. I also had problems depression and PTSD. The VA was able to assist me with those also. And while it did help, those are both things that will plague me for a long time. Guilt is a powerful feeling that has been something I've lived with for many years now. So talking with fellow veterans and knowing I'm not the only one with these feeling has greatly helped but understanding you have a problem is always the first step. Treatment for these ailments isn't as easy as one might think. My attitude was to "fix it" but there is no "fix" really. Just understanding and learning to live with it is the only way find solitude for me.

After the hospital I went to the Grand Rapids Home for Veterans. I did this to continue to seek help and to properly reintegrate myself back into society. Something I struggled with was how to come from 12 years in the Army and be a civilian again. It's a lifestyle and not a career choice. I discovered many soldiers have this problem. My stay at the Home for Vets was short lived. I didn't like how the veterans were treated. I didn't like how the facility was focused on money and not on the veterans well being. It's a business and should be shut down in my opinion. So I left the Home for vets and moved back up near my parents in Houghton Lake, Michigan. That's currently where I am. I don't do much these days. I have income that comes from the VA to compensate me for my disabilities. I take a ton of pain medication for my feet. They've gotten much worse in the past 5 years. I actually have to make my shopping list before I go to the store. I cant stand on my feet for long periods of time anymore. I will more than likely be in a wheel chair in about 5 years. The VA still wont recognize my injury at the Pentagon. Senator Levin's office could not even get the documents from the Pentagon. It appears to of vanished into thin air. Meanwhile I focus on staying out of a wheelchair. But that wont bring an end to my adventuring. It will just encourage me more. I'm planning on leaving Michigan sometime in the spring and heading to the east coast.

There's a lot more to this story. But for the meantime this will have to suffice. But it has been a busy few years since I last updated this blog. I'm hoping to get back into it and keep posting on a regular basis. I know from past experience that it doesnt always work out as I hope. But I'll try. Thanks for reading.