Yesterday marked the anniversary of a really bad day in my life. One that would alter it into what has led me back into church. But I still struggle after years of trying to recover. Guess I'm just not the tough soldier I always thought I was. Everybody has got something right? I think we all have a little chunk taken out of our hearts sometimes. Each person takes it differently. Some are unphased. I'm not sure which I would rather be as I think it's my affection thats one of my best qualities.
Anyway I have both short term and long term plans for myself. They involve me making it thru the short term so I can get to the long term. : D Just kidding its not that bad. I have begun investigating new roads to travel. I think I've found a great opportunity for more adventure. I am refering to the financial means to continue doing what I do. I cant seem to rally up enough strength to ask for help. I did twice during the Gainesville floods but it's an undescribable sense of failure and quite frankly it's one of the worst emotions I have ever felt. I'm a giver and have never been much of a taker. It's a little easier when people offer but almost impossible for me to ask for. And believe me, if I wasnt sleeping in my truck and eating ramen noodles I wouldnt have. I would rather sleep in my truck than ask next time though!
Thanks to Mike and Ed. If you guys read this I cant explain how thankful I am for your understanding and more so with your compassion and faith. Mike is from Ohio and has not only been a spiritual guide for me but he has been a friend to the people of Gainesville, Texas. Without his financial and moral support I would have left much earlier. I take things to heart fairly easily and I shouldnt. I was told when I did my first disaster that there is no room for emotion in this line of work. That statement holds true and I firmly believe that. Someone has to be in control of their emotions regardless of how bad things get. I cry like a 10 year old girl sometimes but the trick is to never let a storm victim see you cry. Your there to help their morale, not break it. Cant be much of a shining light if your bulb is burnt out. Understand? Anyway Mike thank you for changing my "bulb". I needed that and owe ya one.
Well this Texas thing is getting kinda boring. Theres a lot here Im sure but nothinig to do if your broke. It's really nice and it's amazing how low the cost of living is here. I can rent a 3500 sq foot house for $1200 a month!! That was my pet fee in my apartment in Virginia lol. My rent was twice that on a 2 bedroom apartment! So ya, it's cheap to live here and the area has all new homes around Fort Worth. It's a nice area but like I said, no money = boring.
Where to next? Well I have many ideas but think I'm going to try to get a little perspective first. I hated asking for help in my last disaster so I'm trying to plan the next one accordingly. What can I do to minimize my expenses and be more productive during the next big disaster? Wish I had a mobile home! I spent like 75% of my budget on hotel expenses in Gainesville. Normally I would be welcome in a church office or something like that but Gainesville was very unwelcoming to ALL outsiders. Theres no such thing as good people anymore so we must have an angle they think. :D But my point is I cant do that again. I have no issues sleeping in my truck as long as I had a bigger truck hehe. Showering and changing clothes would be the only challenge there. But next time I get a new vehicle the only 3 concerns I'll have is 1) can I sleep in it if it comes to that, 2) will it get me where I'm wanting to go and 3) can it pull a fifth wheel? That would be a God sent but maybe one day in like 2099 or so.
I have asked (yup you heard those three words come from my mouth) for a friends newspaper to help me an ad together so I can get some stationary and other office supplies. Things like business cards and embroidered polo shirt are items I would like to have by the time I go into the next disaster. I need to look a little more organized and professional I think. I dont mind furnishing info for a background check but references are a little hard to come by for someone new in the disaster relief industry. So I dont know, maybe if I look more professional they would welcome my imput a little more. If they dont know and the information I put out helps than thats fantastic. But if they dont know and dont care what I have to teach then the community losses out and we cant have that. This is a really dog eat dog industry and there are some really mean people in it. Even some church leaders can be really ugly at times. You can never be prepared but you can eliminate chances for it to happen. So thats my plan.
After a few more disasters I think I will be ready to put a team together. I wanted to after Katrina but noone took me seriously and thought I was just caught up in the moment or something. But I really do. I'm glad my invitations fell on deaf ears because it would have been a different ballgame if I had more to take care of. Perhaps it would be easier I'm not sure. What I do know is that a leader cant teach what he dont know. So even though I'm gifted in leadership and other areas pertaining to disaster relief, I have alot to learn. Perhaps one day between hurricane seasons I'll register for some disaster relief classes. I am a sponge for knowledge but I'm just not in the mindset or position to do it during or after a disaster.
How do we know what Gods calling is for us? As I peck away at this keyboard I dont know what I'm writing until it kinda flows from my mind into my fingers. Improvisation! Perhaps thats how it's supposed to be. Some in my family disagree with what I do. I have been on the road since 1992 and have traveled all over the world. They look at it as time away from the family but I look at it as opportunity. Hehe not opportunity to get away from my family. but opportunity for experience. What will happen if I do this till the day I die? I will have left nothing behind but when I died I had tons of knowledge. I think the meaning of life is to live free and love everyone and everythinig. No I'm not a hippee and there are not peace signs and flowers all over my truck but I understand their mindset and agree on most of their views. Back to our calling... there is no instruction book. The only thing like that is called the bible and it's meant as a guide. So if it's commonly refered to as the "social norm" why does that mean most Americans must do it? Who ever said 4 years of college, a 9-5 job, 2.5 kids, a mortgage and death? What a waste! Think I got it bad cause I'm broke? We I think you got it bad cause your wealthy! With leverage comes consequence! Money is leverage over personal posessions but in no way does it carry it's weight on a creative mind. An artists talent cannot be bought. It is a gift from God. Education has become more about sustaining personal posessions that it has helping mankind.
See a homeless man and call him a bum? Is he more free because he's not playing by societies rules? The bible says a man must work or he shall not eat. It does not say a man must work or he shall not have a 73 inch plasma tv. We've done it to ourselves and theres nobody we can blame. The real gift is seeing it! See how society is like a bunch of little cookies stamped with a gingerbread cookie cutter. They follow each other like ducks and walk right into the fire. WOW! They dont even realize it! So the man you just though a bum is smarter than you are because he realized it. It's harder once you do. It's like the movie the Matrix. Once you see the truth you cant live your life in the same way. Society is leading you and you should ask why. Every thing you do for the next 24 hours I want you to ask yourself this questions... "Who says I have to do this"? When you ask that you will realize all the things that your doing because the rest of society does it.
Anyway. Gotta go. Might go to hospital tomorrow. Been having problems with my right hand. God bless and thanks for reading.
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